Shaila Saint

The Gray Areas of Parenting 

Congratulations to all the families whose children just completed the infamous STAR testing.  Now that the kiddos are finished, I thought it only fair that we parents take our turn at a little test-taking.  The subject matter for this exam will be Gray.  No, not the color, but the grayness that engulfs so many of our parenting decisions.

I remember back to those days before I became a parent when most of my ideas and opinions about parenting fit neatly into black and white categories.  They involved phrases that usually began in one of two ways: “When I am a parent, my child will NEVER...” (misbehave in public, be exposed to, or use violent weapons in their play, lie, cheat, talk back, etc). OR,  “...my child will ALWAYS (listen and respect me and all adults, love reading more than TV and video games, love and value everything I value as much as I  do, etc).  Sound familiar?

And then, of course, we became parents, and the blacks and whites started to get a little more blurry, and that’s when the grayness began to trickle in.  Maybe only a little in the beginning when  they were very young (how many of you had your birth plan or nursing goals precisely executed?) and continuing to grow, rolling in like the fog with each ensuing year, as we began to learn how much of an individual our child was, and the world continued to get bigger and bigger; filled with school stress, peer conflict, the media, competitive sports and other influences.

So here, my fellow parents, is your Grayness of Parenting Test.  For the foundation of the test, I thought it only fitting to use the 6 Pillars of Character that are taught in many of our schools as part of the character education curriculum.  This curriculum is an example of grayness in itself, as I have heard some parents say how wonderful it is to have character education taught in the schools and others who wonder why character education is taught in school at all, when this is a responsibility of families to decide individually at home.

But back to the test and your instructions: You may begin whenever you are ready, you are free to share and change answers at any stage of your child’s development, there is no time limit, and the answer key can be found in conversations and reflections within your own home.  Good luck and would love for you to share what you came up with!

The Grayness of Parenting Exam

Character Pillar Number 1: Respect: Don’t threaten hit or hurt anyone; deal peacefully with anger, insults and disagreements.

1. all the time
2. unless someone just threatened, hit or hurt me or my child
3. unless it’s a terrorist like Osama bin Laden or other “bad guy”
4. Essay Question:  How do I square this concept of peacefulness and non-violence against the violence found in the shows, video games, music, sporting events, and other forms of entertainment and activities that my family enjoys?

Pillar Number 2: Caring:  Be compassionate; forgive others by letting go and giving them another chance.

1. all the time
2. unless they have hurt, hit, or threatened, me or my child
3. unless they are a terrorist or other “bad guy”
4. Essay Question: Do I ever feel it okay for me/my child not to forgive?  When and why/why not?

Character Pillar Number 3:  Responsibility:  Use self-control; be self-disciplined with your health, emotions, time and money.

1. all the time.
2. unless another person (coach, referee, teacher, boss) just made an adverse call/decision against me or my child?
3. Essay question:  How do I discuss this character pillar with my child when he/she aspires to be like Kobe Bryant, Brett Favre , Tiger Woods, Lyndsay Lohan,or other famous individuals whom I think need a little more practice with the Responsibility pillar?

Character Pillar Number 4: Fairness: Play by the rules; be open-minded and don’t show favoritism.

1. all the time
2. unless the person making the rules (teacher, coach, boss) wants to show favoritism towards me/my child
3. unless I am the person making the rules
4. Essay Question: How do I balance fairness with my/my child’s value for winning or being on top?

Character Pillar Number 5: Trustworthiness:  Be honest and tell the whole truth; be loyal-stand by your family or friends.

1. all the time
2. unless telling the whole truth would be hurtful or harmful
3. Essay Question: what do I do if  I/my child is asked to be loyal to family members or friends who did something harmful, hurtful, or illegal?

Character Pillar Number 6: Citizenship:  Obey laws and rules, respect authority.

1. all the time
2. unless obeying the law/rule gets in the way of my/my child’s needs (rolling through a stop sign when I am late,  signing off on community service hours that my child didn’t actually do, etc.)
3. unless I feel the rule or authority figure is unfair to or inconsistent with my family’s values
4. Essay question:  How do I explain to my children the inconsistencies of asking them to respect authority and rules when there are numerous examples of adults disrespecting and disobeying authority/rules in our larger society: on ball fields, financial institutions, even on the U.S House floor during the President’s State of the Union?