Mike King: Top 5 Reasons Why Closing the Bars on Second Street at Midnight is a Good Idea

Belmont Shore is all atwitter with the kerfuffle spawned by Gary DeLong’s recent request for the City Council to study the scenario that a Conditional Use Permit (CUP) should be required when bars change hands, including possibly some other regulatory initiatives. Some see the request as a future mandate that all bars on Second Street will be forced to close their doors at midnight. For all of you who don’t have time to sort through all the pro and con arguments, I’ve assembled some of the main motives for closing those pesky bars at midnight.

#5. Nearby Liquor Store Business Owners Will Experience a Windfall 

Much has been said about the “business unfriendly” aspect of the midnight bar shutdown. But just because a few bars shorten their operating hours doesn’t mean that the overall Shore economy will take a nosedive. The bar patrons leaving after last call will still be in a partying mood, so their obvious choice will be to head over to the local liquor store and spend their coin on, say, cases of Jagermeister, thereby contributing a net economic benefit to our community. Of course, after imbibing, our erstwhile patrons will still need a place to toss empties and relieve themselves and perhaps “spew”. Luckily, there are nearby lawns and hedges right off of Second Street strategically placed for just that purpose. 

#4. Vibrant, Exciting New Businesses Will Flock to Second Street to Fill the Void 

Business, like nature, abhors a vacuum, meaning that new owners, sensing vast opportunity, will step in and build up a fascinating array of novel commercial projects. Typical shops we can look forward to include those such as Kim’s Quilt Supplies and Sewing Guild, Indoor Lawn Bowl-O-Rama, Geriatric Supplies R Us, and Howard’s Radio and Typewriter Repair. And as an adjunct to Apostrophe Books, let’s hope we get our own Christian Science Reading Room.

#3. Overall Community Productivity Will Increase Dramatically 

Judges, city council members, police officers, teachers, news editors, and the general hoi polloi who typically frequented the bars will now be able to get to work on time “the day after” and actually get some work done. This assumes, of course, that they didn’t stay up too late engaged in a furious bout of lawn bowling.

#2. Ripples and Yankee Doodles Will Regain Lost Notoriety 

Two examples of existing local businesses that will bask in the glow of a new herd of happy, inebriated, paying customers, these once notorious establishments have been woefully forgotten in recent years. Because they are situated on Ocean Blvd, presumably the CUP restrictions will not apply and the bars can stay open after midnight and rake in the cash. As the drunken hoards banished from Second Street traipse their way through our neighborhoods to Ocean (stopping only long enough to relieve themselves on nearby front lawns) we can breathe a sigh of relief, knowing that the economy of Belmont Shore, like that of America in general, is strong.

#1. Parking for Residents Will Increase by Orders of Magnitude 

As the “Thumbs Down on Belmont Shore Bars” reviews begin proliferating on websites such as Yelp and Angie’s List, consumers armed with the knowledge that Second Street will be “rolled up at midnight” will have no reason to visit the Shore. However, this will enormously benefit long suffering residents tired of driving the “midnight circle” fruitlessly searching for a place to park. Look, a space is open right in front of your house!

Coming soon: Top 5 Reasons Why Closing the Bars on Second Street at Midnight is a Bad Idea