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Health & Fitness

From Ask Margaret: Dealing with a Yeller

Who enjoys being yelled at? Not you! But some people use yelling as a bullying tactic to walk right over you. Don't let them get away with it.

Question: I have a co-worker who yells. Sometimes I do whatever it is he wants, just so he'll stop. Other times I lose my temper and yell back. I know both of these reactions are useless, but what should I do?

You are right--neither of your approaches work, but they are human. Most of us dislike being yelled at, and we either want to make it stop or we want to yell back and show the yeller that we won't be pushed around.  In your case, sometimes you're reacting out of "flight" (get away from the yeller as quickly as possible) and sometimes you're choosing to "fight." Your reaction probably has to do with your mood and your emotional strength at that time.

What to do? Dealing with your yeller will take some practice. You are going to practice holding your ground and NOT yelling back. Just because someone yells at you does not mean you have to respond in kind. Here's what I am asking you to do:

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1)  Listen calmly while your yeller goes at it.

2)  Do not give ground. I mean do not move back or away from them, even if they loom over you. I say this because some yelling really does come from bullying and if you give up your personal space, they will perceive this as a win and they will continue to use yelling to bully you. NOTE: If you really feel physically threatened by this person, then of course move out of the way and get help.

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3) Consider finding something to focus on while they are yelling. It might be an image you can visualize, something that makes you feel happy and calm and relaxed. It could be a saying or a word that makes you feel happy and
calm and relaxed.

4) When they finish or take a pause, if you have something to say, say it. But say it calmly and quietly. At first this may infuriate them and they may yell again and they might get louder.

5) The louder they become the more quiet you become. This tends to have a calming effect AND most people will realize that they are the only ones yelling and begin to feel self-conscious about it. Only an extreme bully or someone who has real mental or emotional issues will keep going.

6) If you really do think that this is not the time to have the conversation, you can end the conversation. Just do not end it by giving in to them. Tell them calmly and quietly that you will be able to continue this conversation at another time.

This will take practice. The person you are changing in this situation is yourself, you cannot change the yeller. But when you react to them differently they may behave differently too.

Until next time; wishing you peace at work. Remember to send
your questions to Ask@MargaretMeloni.com. If you prefer to remain anonymous that's OK. I will not publish your name.

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