Chapter 8: Top 5 Celebrities You Should Never Date

It always seems like a good idea at the time but you should know better.

1. Madonna: I'm not being an age-ist here. I too am in the second half of the ballgame known as life. But Madonna's Sell-By date was back when "Like a Prayer" was edgy and relevant. That was 1989. Since then the Material Girl has been a whirlwind of perpetual motion trying to regain that lofty status with mixed results. And Jose Canseco dumped her. That's never a good sign.

2. Courtney Stodden: The Child Bride of a creepy D-list actor, she'll be on the market again soon enough. You don't really think she'll stay married to this guy forever do you? No, that's not happening. You might think that naivete, porn star quality make-up and boobs equals a good time and you're probably right if that time is limited to a couple hours. But eventually you'll have to talk to her and that means dialing your intellect down to sub-primate levels. An ice pick in your eye will be less painful.

3. Sandra Bullock: Not because she's bad in any way. You're just not good enough for her. Move along.

4. Any Porn Star: Look, a girl who will indiscriminately make whoopee on camera is hardly a paragon of discretion. So trying to keep anything on the down-low is going to be difficult at best. Add in the baggage that comes with being a girl who will indiscriminately make whoopee on camera and you might as well put flashing neon lights spelling "I'M OVER HERE" outside of your hideout.

5. Kim Kardsashian: If I have to explain this in detail, you are not nearly as smart as you think you are.