"Graduates of Long Beach..."

So here we are, closing in on May, and I, prognosticator of prognosticators, see several events looming on the horizon.

The hilarious reality show known as the “Lakers Season” has been canceled, society will dictate that I begin wearing shorts to expose my Irish legs, necessitating a hefty investment in spf 6000 and, of course, the end of the school year will free up all the kids to skateboard and loiter along 2nd Street, while the graduates search for meaning in their lives through a laptop at Starbucks.

Also looming is my birthday, and with it the yearly analysis about what I have done so far on this planet to make it a slightly better place. As I enter the home stretch on my 42nd year, it is starting to occur to me that I may never be world famous enough like Bono, Steve Jobs, Nelson Mandela or Snookie, to be invited to some fancy schmancy college to deliver a commencement address that will then go viral on YouTube and cause millions to weep, laugh, or share the link on Twitter. 

So, graduates of Long Beach, even though you are not asking for it, I have decided to give my prepared commencement address to you anyway.

 Dearest friends, colleagues, and of course, how can I forget the Long Beach State School president, who is ... what? Moving to Louisiana? What the hell for? Doesn’t he know how amazing Long Beach is?  The home of Snoop Dogg, The Queen Mary and Michaels Pizza? Geez...it’s kind of…muggy in Louisiana…does he know that? Wow…umm well forget him I guess...okay so…anyhoo...

 Graduates, you have spent countless dollars on books, countless hours trying to get money back for them, and I imagine you also read them a bit when there wasn’t some sort of 2 for 1 beer and mini hot dog sale at the 49er tavern. But you as you graduate, surely you feel the sense of uncertainty in the world and you probably wonder, “have I been properly educated to be a competitive and contributing member of society?” At the same time, your parents probably wonder, “has my son or daughter been fully prepared for the rigors of this ever changing  society? And if so, when can they move out, so we can turn their room into a proper Man Cave?”

 When I graduated college, I certainly thrilled my parents by having all that time (5ish years) and all that money (more than 5ish) funnel into the singular focus to become an actor. As one of 7 performing arts majors at a tiny East Bay college in Northern California, mostly known for its nursing program, I no doubt felt ready and destined for theatrical greatness.

Once out of school, however, dreams of yukking it up on Broadway with Nathan Lane took a back seat to the immediate need for a few dollars in my pocket. You see, not only will you find yourself mostly unemployed and broke as an actor, but it is also quite expensive to get there. Headshots, classes, and late night coffee with other actors at the local Carrows (while trying to make sense of the career of Keanu Reeves), all costs money.

I didn’t need a career, I needed a job.

So young graduates, instead of looking immediately for a career, I recommend that you slow down, take a breath, and just simply get a job. Any job. Let’s face it, the economy may be improving, but it is surely not ready for your 22 year old face taking the corner office anyway. There are still like 37 other people with resumes longer than your arm ready to take that job.

So I think it would be best for you that you just get a job…again any job will do and through my years as a struggling actor, I am in the unique position to offer some advice on what jobs are out there.

 Southern California has beautiful weather, so why not work outside? I have had several of those jobs, ranging from Bus Washer at a Day Camp, (you should know that kids are gross by the way and always leave behind the stickiest part of their lunch), to Valet Parker, complete with little red jacket, to Range Guy at a Bay Area golf course. Yes, of course everyone on the range is aiming their 3 Wood at you, but if you bring your iPod along (or in my case, my Sony Walkman) it is easy to feel like you are in some thrilling but deleted golf scene from Star Wars.

 Or maybe you are thinking office job? Understandable. It certainly requires less sunblock, and you get to see how a high powered office functions. Well, you are in luck, because I had several of those too. I took one job where I sold roofs over the phone. In a way, it was my first paid acting job, for I followed a script and tried to convince people that I have never met  who lived in a completely different city that they needed a new roof. Unfortunately I was so bad at this job (blame the script?) that when the company decided to move their operations 20 miles further away, I protested by simply not showing up. They never called to ask where I was. A mutual break up. (Sort of.)

 All in all, graduates of Long Beach, I am here to tell you to slow down and get a life before you get a career. What I have found is that the myriad terrible jobs have led to myriad educational and funny stories, and as a result of so many different experiences, I feel better equipped to understand all the different people you are sure to encounter along your journey.

 Except why someone would move from Long Beach to Louisiana…I mean ,that seems just crazy.